


Holy Hell, You're Jesus!

by ObliObla



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Chloe KNOWS, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Identity Reveal, Light Angst, Post-Season/Series 03, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 20:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17773490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliObla/pseuds/ObliObla
Summary: From @luciferprompts: Instead of showing off his face or wings, Lucifer proves his divine origins by doing something silly like walking on the water of a swimming pool or turning water into wine/whiskey





	Holy Hell, You're Jesus!

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not try this at home. Heavy drinking and swimming pools do not mix, even for former angels.
> 
> I blame @ariaadagio for this.

Look, it wasn’t Dan’s fault.

It _wasn’t_.

How was he supposed to know a silly drunken rivalry would get that out of hand _that_ quickly?

In retrospect, suggesting they do a lap of Lucifer’s pool while totally shitfaced probably wasn’t the _best_ idea but, in Dan’s defense, he’d never had the best judgement sober, let alone half-wasted. He was standing on the concrete at the edge of the pool, stripped down to his cargo shorts, when he began to suspect a mistake had been made somewhere along the way. But Ella was ecstatic and even Chloe was cheering a little, so it’d be fine, right?

Right?

“Are we doing this or not, Daniel?” Lucifer sounded way too put together for the number of drinks he’d downed, but he didn’t seem capable of standing up straight anymore, and Chloe’d had to forcibly stop him from getting entirely naked in anticipation of the swim.

“ _But it’s how the Greeks did it, darling_ ,” he’d whined as she smacked uncoordinatedly at his hands yanking at the waistband of his briefs.

“Earth to Detective Douche, is Douche reading?” Lucifer snarked at him, snapping in front of his face as he shook himself back to the present.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s do this.”

“Ooh, I’ll count you off!” Ella swayed as she leapt to her feet. “3… 2… 1…”

And before she’d even said _go_ , Lucifer, like the cheater he was, dove forward and was…

_Running?_

“How the shit…?”

He skidded to a stop halfway across the pool, _standing_ _on_ …

“What?” he asked, frowning.

“Holy Hell you’re Jesus!” Ella shrieked, stumbling backward before Chloe steadied her.

Lucifer’s slightly bleary gaze travelled from Ella to his own feet stood, impossibly, on the surface of the water. “ _Oh_ ,” he said, oddly serious, before the moment seemed to shatter and he fell, collapsing into the pool like reality had finally managed to catch up with him.

Dan hadn’t noticed his legs give out, but he was definitely sitting on the ground now. Strangely familiar, yet hysterical laughter was coming from somewhere, but it petered out as Lucifer emerged from the water, sputtering.

“What the fuck? What the _fuck_?” Ella was muttering jerkily. Dan couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, could only watch as Lucifer hauled himself out of the pool, shaking like a disgruntled cat that had decided to jump in the shower only to discover the terrible truth.

Truth… _huh_.

“Don’t freak out.”

Chloe was using her mom voice; it was probably supposed to be calming, but her lack of surprise was more terrifying than anything, because that meant…

That _meant…_

That weird laughter was ringing out again, but this time Dan recognized it as his own, strained and panicky.

“‘Don’t freak out,’ really?” And how dare Lucifer sound all sarcastic and petulant and _normal_ , bantering idly with Chloe while Dan’s world was falling apart.

“What was I _supposed_ to say? When _I_ found out, you ran off!”

“Well, we _could_ —”

“We are not leaving our friends drunk and in shock on your roof, Lucifer!”

 “ _Fine_.” And now Lucifer was looking at him, hands down and palms forward and, oh _God_ , maybe it would’ve been better if he _had_ just left. Then Dan could pretend he’d imagined it, that he was so drunk he just—

“I have never lied to you, I am exactly who I always said I was, and I am _not_ going to hurt you.” He hadn’t even known Lucifer’s voice could _be_ that soft. His brain started, slowly, to piece itself back together.

“So… not a method actor, then?” Ella asked, a little breathlessly, but more steadily than Dan could’ve managed.

Lucifer shook his head almost solemnly. “No, Miss Lopez. I’m afraid not.”

Dan found his voice. “You… you’re still who you were before, though?” He steeled himself; this was _definitely_ a bad idea, but what the Hell, right? “Still a dick?”

The chuckle seemed to catch Lucifer off guard. His strange seriousness dissipated and he smiled. “Yes, Daniel. Certainly still that.”

“Jesus _Christ_ , what happened?” Linda asked in exasperation as she walked through the door to find Ella clinging awkwardly to a relieved looking Chloe while Lucifer, water dripping steadily from his hair and underwear, and Dan, shirtless and sitting on the concrete, stared at each other and giggled.

“I was only gone five minutes!”


End file.
